G is for...

Guilt
(Sidenote: sorry for all the odd font. Whenever I copy and paste, my font gets wonky.)

I am very good at making myself feel guilty. But when people try to make me feel guilty, I start to feel really really really pissed off. Right now, I'm being made to feel guilty and that is pissing me off. And thus, I am blogging about it (thank god we're on G.... or thank god I'm good at finding a way to make this story about G! :))

Here's the necessary back story. After finding a horrid guy I went to college with on one of my "Your Matches" emails from match.com, my friend Laura suggested I try a different site. Actually, she was much more eloquent about it: "perhaps you should find a different (dare I say better quality?) website to electronically peruse the current dating pool." I decided it couldn't hurt and while I was once again bored one night after work, I began to check out other options (mmm, perhaps I should take the time I spend searching for online dating options and go out and try to meet new people. Huh.)

So, in my mind there are two big online dating sites: match.com and eharmony.com. Truthfully, eharmony scares the crap out of me. Those "This will be!" ads are so "find your soulmate! get married! happily ever after! always and forever!" that it makes me want to stay away from that site forever. But, I caved. And it was a HUGE mistake. Why? Because I am matchless. I am completely and utterly matchless. I freaked, thought "I'm going to be alone forever!" and then went to explore the help section to find out why in god's name I was matchless. Turns out that this is a fairly common experience--sometimes it can take UP TO A YEAR to find a match.

EXCUSE ME?

Why in crap's name am I bothering with online dating (which is supposed to make it easier to meet new people, no?) that might take a year to find me a match? I know eharmony focuses on quality instead of quantity but right now, I just want a date. Right now, perhaps? So I went to delete my profile and cancel my account. I again went to the help section to find out how to delete. The directions were simple and after clicking on "cancel account" that's when I was hit with a massive guilt bomb:

"If you are closing your account because you've met a special person to share your life, on eHarmony or elsewhere, congratulations. If you haven't yet made that connection, I'd like you to consider the following points:

• Research shows only 1 in 4 American marriages are actually happy.
• Choosing the right mate is the KEY to creating a compatible, loving relationship.
• Finding a soul mate on your own and knowing if you're really compatible has never been more confusing or difficult.
• eHarmony's proven method of selecting compatible matches has helped create thousands of happy, successful relationships."

See? GUILTGUILTGUILTGUILTGUILT. Actually, that's more threat than guilt. Let me rephrase. THREATTHREATTHREATTHREATTHREATTHREATTHREAT.

It gets better: "Lastly, we really care about your success. There are thousands of online dating services that will offer up hundreds of "matches" based on little more than your favorite hobby. Our goal is completely different. We're helping you find someone to live with and love FOREVER!"

As I said above, I don't deal well with guilt inflicted on me. Particularly by strangers. Particularly by strangers who get paid to pile on the guilt by using the word forever in capital letters.

Also, from what I could tell, eharmony doesn't allow same sex searching i.e if you're gay, it is impossible for you to register at this site. At match.com, there's a drop down menu to select if you are a man looking for a woman or a woman looking for a woman or a woman looking for a man or a man looking for a man. But at eharmony, the drop down menu is: "I'm a man looking for a woman" or "I'm a woman looking for a man." My first thought was "Whhaaaa?" and I probably should have been a little more offended and upset and I probably should have boycotted but I was too busy tunnel visioning my way to a soulmate. So after closing my profile, I googled "eharmony gay" (I'm such a good searcher :)) and I found this article. Granted, it's from USA Today but I still think it's worth looking at. OOooh, after more googling, I found these lovely "Rejected From eHarmony" youtube ads. Sounds like I'm not the only matchless person--perhaps I should try to meet up with one of the other matchless individuals...

Gun, Nerf

To end this entry on a much funnier note, G is also for Gun, Nerf. While attempting to dress up like Carlos, the Cuban Revolutionary brother in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights for Katie C's Dirty Dancing party last weekend, I purchased a nerf gun and became obsessed with it. Then, at the party, at some point during the drunkenness, this happened: our very own Leah, taking target practice with Annie's boyfriend Kellen (the best part is Kellen's face).