Tuesday, July 31, 2007

C is for...


One of my New Years Resolutions was to have a crush on a boy *I'm truly a driven individual* Well, I did have a nice little crush in Madison... someone I knew wouldn't ever work out but who was cute and helped me forget about (and also get back at) 5 Months Later Boy. And who knows, perhaps it could have worked, if there was more time... but, he's back in Madison and I'm living in my little town where there is a serious lack of testosterone.

My current place of resident is occupied by lots and lots of young married couples with little kids. This is good for my career but bad for my personal life. I've become the queen of checking out the ring finger. I know this town can't be completely devoid of single men but they must be really good at hiding. Because of this, I've become the 7th grade version of myself i.e. "I have a crush on every boy!"(watch out there's sound!) Really, every single semi-attractive (okay, he doesn't even have to be attractive) who crosses my path automatically gets put in the crush file. This is very dangerous.... and rather depressing too.

So I was back in Madison over the weekend and was faced with the reality of my singleness. Madison is crawling with cute boys. And unfortunately I saw 5 Months Later Boy briefly so that was also a nice reminder of how truly single I am and also an redundant reminder of how big of a jerk he is/was. Later in the night, Caroline and I were drinking at her place and Katy, my old roommate, and our friend Kelly stopped by. We started talking about boys and the lack thereof in my life and Katy's potential new suitor. Then, I mentioned the pact that was informally made between Katy and I: if neither of us met anyone "special" by September, we would join match.com together. I really don't want to join, not because I'm against online dating but instead because I'm terrified of relationships and by extension of online dating. I told the girls this (or at least I think I did... who knows with the alcohol) and Caroline told me that I could create a profile for free, hide the profile and look around to see if anyone looked interesting.

And that is exactly what I did. I had about 32 pages of matches--some who seemed nice, some who had poor grammar (what's the point of punctuation anyway!?), some who seemed pretty damn snobby and full of themselves and some who were downright dreamy. None of the matches have spurred me to join and give this online dating thing a chance. But one particular match did make me cackle and laugh for a good half an hour. His name? LoveInTights. His tagline? My Love is Harder Than a Steel Chair.

And for the rest of the hilarious details, I'm going to just quote him... I don't think I could do him justice:

About Me and Who I'm Looking For
PRO-WRESTLER SEEKS LOVE OF HIS LIFE! Ladies, allow me to introduce myself... My name is *Name Omitted to Protect the Ridiculous*. Currently I'm living in Grafton, Wisconsin in an apartment with my unemployed roomate Doug (Doug says hi!). As of right now, I work during the day at Jordan & Johnson Co. in New Berlin making toliet (sic) paper, but my true passion is wrestling in front of crowds. Something about the battle of good vs. evil with all the sweat, grit and tights involved just gets me all pumped up! As for my type of date, I'm looking for a woman who knows what she wants in life. She has to have a good outlook on life, even when the chips are down, and can always lift anyone's spirits! I'm hoping I can meet somone who loves people and life just as much as me. Also, No need for women with drug problems, please (my last date stole all my painkillers and my roommates prescription pills). *Skip ahead to last sentence* So ladies, I'm dieing (sic) to hear from you! P.S. Dont call me at work though, my boss Mr. Jarvis will be super mad!

My religion:
I like religion. I think if people dont have it, then its their lost. But hey, thats their call. All I know is after a really hard day at the gym, or after a tough match, I like to open my religious book, and read religious things.

My education:
Its kinda funny. I had been accepted into University of Ohio, but I rejected and took up my true passion of wrestling. I graduated from "Killer Kowalski's School of Wrestling" in 2005 *It exists!*. Since then, I've been on a quest to conquer the wrestling world!

I've decided it's a bit imprudent to post his picture but I wish you could see him. He's wearing a white bandanna and shinny silver leggings. Oh and he's also sporting a soul patch. And he's flexing his "guns." Now, there are two options with this profile: either he is serious and I can continue laughing or he's trying to be funny and then I have to stop laughing and consider why a 24-year-old would waste time and money making such a dumb profile.

Needless to say, I did not join match.com and I don't know if I'll be joining in September. In the meantime, I'm going to concentrate on finding my crushes the old fashioned way--now, what the old fashioned way is, I'm not entirely sure.


At 6:28 AM, Anonymous leah said...

Wows. The wrestler sounds charming!

Sorry I missed you this weekend, we were rockin' out in Cadott, WI.

At 2:42 PM, Anonymous marty said...

I think wrestler sounds awesome! Dude, if you do not contact him, consider it your lost.

I totally hear ya on match.com. I did eventually meet Rob there, but it was pretty rough for awhile. It got to the point where I sort of refused to talk to them on the phone before the first date (which was ALWAYS drinks. ALWAYS!), because I needed booze to be able to deal with any/all blind date shenanigans.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Librarian Girl said...

SHUT UP! That is the funniest thing ever. He sounds like the martial arts teacher in Napoleon Dynamite.

Oh my god, that is too too too great.

I have to go now. To read my religious book and read religious things.


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