G is for...

Guilt
(Sidenote: sorry for all the odd font. Whenever I copy and paste, my font gets wonky.)

I am very good at making myself feel guilty. But when people try to make me feel guilty, I start to feel really really really pissed off. Right now, I'm being made to feel guilty and that is pissing me off. And thus, I am blogging about it (thank god we're on G.... or thank god I'm good at finding a way to make this story about G! :))

Here's the necessary back story. After finding a horrid guy I went to college with on one of my "Your Matches" emails from match.com, my friend Laura suggested I try a different site. Actually, she was much more eloquent about it: "perhaps you should find a different (dare I say better quality?) website to electronically peruse the current dating pool." I decided it couldn't hurt and while I was once again bored one night after work, I began to check out other options (mmm, perhaps I should take the time I spend searching for online dating options and go out and try to meet new people. Huh.)

So, in my mind there are two big online dating sites: match.com and eharmony.com. Truthfully, eharmony scares the crap out of me. Those "This will be!" ads are so "find your soulmate! get married! happily ever after! always and forever!" that it makes me want to stay away from that site forever. But, I caved. And it was a HUGE mistake. Why? Because I am matchless. I am completely and utterly matchless. I freaked, thought "I'm going to be alone forever!" and then went to explore the help section to find out why in god's name I was matchless. Turns out that this is a fairly common experience--sometimes it can take UP TO A YEAR to find a match.

EXCUSE ME?

Why in crap's name am I bothering with online dating (which is supposed to make it easier to meet new people, no?) that might take a year to find me a match? I know eharmony focuses on quality instead of quantity but right now, I just want a date. Right now, perhaps? So I went to delete my profile and cancel my account. I again went to the help section to find out how to delete. The directions were simple and after clicking on "cancel account" that's when I was hit with a massive guilt bomb:

"If you are closing your account because you've met a special person to share your life, on eHarmony or elsewhere, congratulations. If you haven't yet made that connection, I'd like you to consider the following points:

• Research shows only 1 in 4 American marriages are actually happy.
• Choosing the right mate is the KEY to creating a compatible, loving relationship.
• Finding a soul mate on your own and knowing if you're really compatible has never been more confusing or difficult.
• eHarmony's proven method of selecting compatible matches has helped create thousands of happy, successful relationships."

See? GUILTGUILTGUILTGUILTGUILT. Actually, that's more threat than guilt. Let me rephrase. THREATTHREATTHREATTHREATTHREATTHREATTHREAT.

It gets better: "Lastly, we really care about your success. There are thousands of online dating services that will offer up hundreds of "matches" based on little more than your favorite hobby. Our goal is completely different. We're helping you find someone to live with and love FOREVER!"

As I said above, I don't deal well with guilt inflicted on me. Particularly by strangers. Particularly by strangers who get paid to pile on the guilt by using the word forever in capital letters.

Also, from what I could tell, eharmony doesn't allow same sex searching i.e if you're gay, it is impossible for you to register at this site. At match.com, there's a drop down menu to select if you are a man looking for a woman or a woman looking for a woman or a woman looking for a man or a man looking for a man. But at eharmony, the drop down menu is: "I'm a man looking for a woman" or "I'm a woman looking for a man." My first thought was "Whhaaaa?" and I probably should have been a little more offended and upset and I probably should have boycotted but I was too busy tunnel visioning my way to a soulmate. So after closing my profile, I googled "eharmony gay" (I'm such a good searcher :)) and I found this article. Granted, it's from USA Today but I still think it's worth looking at. OOooh, after more googling, I found these lovely "Rejected From eHarmony" youtube ads. Sounds like I'm not the only matchless person--perhaps I should try to meet up with one of the other matchless individuals...

Gun, Nerf

To end this entry on a much funnier note, G is also for Gun, Nerf. While attempting to dress up like Carlos, the Cuban Revolutionary brother in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights for Katie C's Dirty Dancing party last weekend, I purchased a nerf gun and became obsessed with it. Then, at the party, at some point during the drunkenness, this happened: our very own Leah, taking target practice with Annie's boyfriend Kellen (the best part is Kellen's face).

F is for...

Fifty Yard Scream

Every Wednesday, during August, the library has a picnic for the summer reading program participants. Kids bring pack lunches and eat them in the backyard while I read stories. Then after they're done eating, we play games, like Spud, Red Light Green Light, What Time is it Mr. Fox, etc. In an attempt to find more games, I went to a website called Ultimate Camp Resources and found this gem of a game:

"Fifty Yard Scream: Everyone runs screaming and stops when they’ve run out of breath. Then go back and try to beat your score."

I think it's best to pass on this one.

E is for...

For the last few days I have been stuck on E. I had no clue what to write about and nothing was happening that I could even finagle into an E entry. However, two e's popped up--they're not fun e's but there's e's none the less.

Editor, Letter to the
The local paper comes out on Tuesdays and Thursdays and as of late, every Tuesday and Thursday means that there will be a Letter to the Editor about one of the local libraries. The library down the road is in a mess of trouble--there's high staff turnover, patrons are upset with what they see as poor service and lack of useful materials, and the board and the director (who supposedly is evil and in cahoots with the mayor) is completely in denial that there might be a problem. Now, in theory, this wouldn't affect the library where I work--but it does. Because people are reading all about the problems at this other library and then writing in to say "Oh yeah, all of the libraries in the area are horrible! I once had someone who was rude to me at this library and there was another time at the other library!" This is not good. Not good at all. Our library is in the middle of proposing the budget for next year and we're also trying to get a new library (the drama behind that is a whole nother post all together) and any negative press throws a wrench in our efforts. We're now to the point that our director is telling me to hint to our favorite patrons, our regulars, about the letter to the editor in the hopes that they'll write a favorable one defending our library. I can't do that! And speaking of can't do (or perhaps shouldn't do) I should probably shut my yap--don't want to get dooced.

Evangelism
Yesterday, I thought I was getting asked out by one of my patrons, a 13-year-old girl who I'm pretty sure will someday become a serial killer (she is CREEEEEPY). She asked me if I had plans for Friday night after work. I told her that I was going to Madison (for a dirty dancing party! :)). She said "Oh well, Friday is the start of our parish picnic! We're kicking it all off with an outdoor mass and I was going to invite you! It's going to be a really great service and then there's a rummage sale afterward in the big cow barn."

Luckily, I escaped this one but this isn't the first time I've been asked to go to church and I'm sure it won't be the last. Just about once a week, patrons ask me what religion I am, if I've found a church, if I'd be interested in hearing about their church, if I'd like to go to the contemporary outdoor service at the local Lutheran university with them (that was Bernice, my neighbor downstairs). I hate these questions, mainly because I have huge issues with religion. I was born and raised WELS Lutheran and I went to Lutheran school for 7 years (I could probably write an A-Z series of blogs all about the evilness of Lutheran school). Then, my family transfered to an ELCA Lutheran church where I was pretty happy until about a few years ago. Then, a nice little crisis of faith hit and that's where I find myself now. I don't like organized religion, I don't like the politics of it, I don't like the closed minded nature of traditional Lutheran services but I hate the scary praise-band, stadium seating churches, I don't know what I believe in anymore and I don't want to talk to a professional about so he or she can fix me. And plus, my commitment phobic tendencies about relationships tend to play a part in my issues with religion. The idea of testing out new churches and getting tied down to one that is going to make me uncomfortable, smothered and miserable terrifies the crap out of me. See? Religiously speaking, I'm a mess. And all of this patron pressure is NOT helping. Especially when the patron pressure comes from 13-year-old potential serial killers.

D is for...

Don Majkowski

*sidenote: I know I'm not being very consistent with my proper nouns. Technically, if I was following my own rules (i.e. Branch, Will), this blog post would be under Majkowski, Don. But, it's my party and I'll be inconsistent if I want to.*

Against my better judgment, I ventured out to one of the local bars last night with my pals Mel and Melissa who wanted to experience the local nightlife. And last night, I was hit on for the first time in my little town by a 30 year old guy originally from Boston, complete with a wicked thick Boston accent. Our suitor explained that he had recently relocated and that he was well-read and quite a catch (if you say you're a catch, you're usually not). He then started drilling me with questions (some examples: "where's your boyfriend?" "You're wearing a lot of yellow. Are you wearing underwear? And if so, is it yellow?"). Then, after explaining why he was such a catch and peppering me with questions, he finally asked me if I would like to ask him a question. This was my first mistake. I should have said NO. But, I'm an idiot. And then I proceeded to have one of the most frustrating conversations I've had in a while:

Me: You're wearing a Brewers hat but you're from Boston. Do you like the Red Sox?
Dude: See, I love the Red Sox but I grew up watching Wisconsin sports so I'm more of a Brewers guy. Do you like sports?
Me: Yes.
Dude: What's your favorite?
Me: Football.
Dude: I used to watch the Packers all the time when I was growing up! I'm such a fan! When I was younger, and I'm a lot older than you, I used to LOOOOOVE their quarterback. The one they had before Favre.
Me: Don Majkowski.
Dude: No, that wasn't it.
Me: Yeah it was. Majkowski. Majik Man.
Dude: I don't think so. Man, why can't I remember his name?
Me: Majkowski. Number 7. Don Majkowski.
Dude: Was it? I don't know.
Me: Blonde mullet. I had a t-shirt. I wore it to my first Packer game. It's probably still sitting in my mom and dad's basement.
Dude: I still don't think that's it. Whatever. God, the Packers were so great in the 80s.
Me: Actually, they were pretty horrible.
Dude: I used to remember watching them play on that baseball diamond.
Me: County Stadium.
Dude: They don't do that much anymore.
Me: At all, actually. Because they knocked down County Stadium to build Miller Park.
Dude: That's where they played? Are you sure?
Me: Yup.
Dude: County Stadium was a great place to watch a baseball game. I've only been there once--back in 2002.
Me: Yeah, that's sort of impossible. *Miller Park opened in 2001*
Dude: It felt really historic you know? I will never forget that.

And so on and so forth. He eventually started talking about golf and explaining ball markers to me (I played golf in high school. I know about ball markers. I told him this. He still explained). Then he explained how he was well-read... it involved lots of John Grisham novels. Then he chastised me for not reading Grisham. It was frustrating on so many levels. I hate it when people don't listen to me. I know I was being a bit of a know-it-all just to spite him but wouldn't you? My mother continuously tells me that I'm single because men are intimidated by me. But, I just have a low tolerance for idiots who think too highly of themselves and I will punish them severely with the help of sarcasm, smarty-pants-ness, and evasiveness. I don't think that's intimidation--it's probably just bitchiness.