Sunday, May 18, 2008

Insane in the Membrane (but hopeful about the future)

It seems to me that I pick the worst possible times to do stuff. Why in god's name did I think moving on May 30th was a good idea!? There is major craziness happening at the library right now, as it is mere weeks away from the summer reading program kick off and I have to visit all of the elementary schools in town (there are only 5 but it definitely is a time suck.) Basically, I'm driving myself insane.

Evidence: Today is Sunday. Why then did I wake up at 7:30 this morning, think it was Monday, realize that I had to visit a school and that I had nothing planned? I'm sure everyone has those moments when they wake up and they don't know what day it is, but not only did I not know what day it was, I jumped out of bed, threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and was totally ready to go to work and throw stuff together for a school visit. I was grabbing my purse and my keys and trying to de-puff my hair when I thought to myself "Why didn't you do this when you worked on Sunday?" And then I paused, put down my keys and turned on the TV. Luckily, some kind anchorperson was talking about the weather and said "Well, it looks like Sunday's going to be a bit overcast but tomorrow it should brighten up a bit." And only then did I realize that today was Sunday and that I had plenty of time to grab some books for my school visit.

One of my favorite Counting Crows songs is "Amy Hit the Atmosphere" and there's a lyric that seems to be pertinent right now: "Today was just a day fading into another and that can't be what a life is for." That's how it feel right now. There's no distinction anymore between the weekend and the weekday and Monday is no different than Wednesday. I know a lot of that is to blame on the fact that I'm getting ready to move and getting everything set for the summer reading program. But, I've been here for a year and it seems like all of the days are fading together: work, go home, go back to work, go home, go back to work, go home. The only exciting thing I can add to conversations right about now is what I watch on PBS. And while PBS rocks, I don't think that's its purpose.

And regarding the firefighter: I messaged him on facebook, just telling him thanks for being so nice to the kids, and he responded very nicely and professionally, saying that they love serving their community and that I should contact them if I would like to schedule a program. I messaged back that that would be great and I am still awaiting a response. Truthfully, the novelty of all of it has sort of passed. It was nice to think about for a while but now? Eh. If I can get a program out of it, marvelous. If not, that's just fine by me. I'm just glad that I did *something.* It's been a very very long time since I've sucked it up and just put myself out there.

Speaking of bravery, I talked to one of my good friends yesterday and she told me that when I was living in Madison, I seemed brave and confident and like I took care of myself first. She said that I don't seem to be doing that anymore. I'm putting everyone else's needs in front of my own, mainly because I've lost that bravery. And she's right. I've been hiding ever since I moved here and it's taken it's toll. I'm always down on myself and I let people treat me "shabbily" (to quote the mom from Gidget). I think moving is going to help me get back to the old me. I know it's not an automatic miracle cure for what ails me but it's a new start. And it's not just that. I've decided that I need to get out more (stating the obvious here). In Madison, I had school, I had work, I had friends, I had happy hours. Here, I have work. I don't think I'm just going to happen upon a random group of people needing another happy hour participant so I'm taking a different approach. I've decided that I'm going to volunteer at the local humane society as a dog walker. I'm hoping this will give me something to do that isn't just work, something to talk about besides "My job is great." I'm also leaving my family friendly gym in the middle of my current town of residence (it really needs a nickname doesn't it?), joining the Y in my new town and starting back up with yoga classes and water aerobics, both of which have made me feel happy and less neurotic in the past. And if all else fails, I will make my mother happy and I will start going to church. (I'm hoping that my life feels full before that.... sorry Mom but I'm still having a "crisis of faith.")

I have a feeling June is going to be a good month. I just have to make it through the next few weeks (and hopefully I'll remember what day it is from now on...)


At 5:51 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

I think your plan sounds great. It'll allow you to have a fresh start, develop new hobbies and interests, and will give you a renewed sense of self. Good luck getting through the rough patch (aka moving). I know you'll feel better come June!

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Amy said...

I just randomly found your blog and I kept reading because this sounds exactly like me. I also moved and am not the same person anymore. I'm not as social and all I have to talk about is work. It gets so mundane. It's hard to go out and meet people. I've tried exercise classes and a church group but nothing ever just pops out. I'm glad I've seen your blog, though, because now I feel like I could be normal. I was getting a little down about it before. So, in a weird, random way...thanks :)


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